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07/30/2001 Entry: "7/30 Evening"

I am so easily stressed. Even when my life is going wonderful and very smooth, I feel the sensation of butterflies in my stomach most of the time. This come and goes though depending on the day for no reason that I can see. I wonder why this is. When I wake up in the morning, I sometimes feel immediate butterflies in my stomach. It's nuts I tell you.

Also, I quit smoking on April 1 of this year and started back in last week. I made it almost 4 months. The cigg. cravings got much worse just over one month ago and I finally gave in. I'm tired of fighting it. I gave up. Plus I have gained so much weight from trying to quit, so that doesn't help. I feel guilty sometimes and I feel like a failure. The main problem was "I" didn't really "want" to quit. I know I should. I know it's bad for me. Yet still, I wish to smoke. Plus it doesn't help that I'm actually addicted. So there you have it. I'm human. I have failed. I will not try to quit again until I know I can make it and truly want to quit. I'm not sure when that will be, but for now I am smoking. Shawn has never smoked, he doesn't like the smell, he worries about me, he dislikes the fact that I'm smoking again, but he will never tell me to quit. I know he wants me to and that is enough. Though apparently it's not enough for me not to start in again. Tomorrow is another day.

Replies: 4 comments

The weight gain part really bites! I never in my life had a weight problem as a smoker. Then I finally give up this big, ugly, nasty addiction, only to have it replaced by another "issure". Sure my latest issue doesn't affect the air my kids breathe, but it sure affects the way I feel about myself in a whole different way than smoking did!

Hardly a fair trade off in my opinion!

Hugs..... you'll do it when you're ready.

Bev has spoken @ 07/31/2001 08:53 AM CST

Oooh! Quitting is never easy... and those come backs are really normal. I have tried to stay away from smoking, but I've cheated a few times. My hubby is like Shawn... he will never tell me to do something, but from that I learned. He's being respectful, so I'm respectful too: for my life and for his life too :) You will do it someday!

Beatriz has spoken @ 07/31/2001 07:44 PM CST

Hey Sweetie. Please don't feel like you are a failure! Because you are NOT!!! I must have tried to quit at least 6 or seven times, before I finally quit that habit for good. You will stop smoking, when YOU are ready. Just remember: Don't do it for anyone but yourself!!!

Moni has spoken @ 08/01/2001 09:36 PM CST

Well you know how I feel about it. ;-) I am going to "Kiss Your Ass" LOL (This is a joke between Leah and I.)

You are not a failure and once YOU decide to quit you will.

Bren has spoken @ 08/03/2001 05:15 PM CST

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