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07/22/2001 Entry: "7/22 Morning"

Well it turns out Shawn got home at 6:15 so we went to the movie after all. It was very good and suspenseful. We both are so fascinated by dinosaurs anyway so there was no way we wouldn't enjoy the movie. I'm glad I saw that one in the theater as the special effects were awesome. Shawn and I were one of the only couples there without children though :).

I had another awful dream last night. I am getting so tired of my dreams. This one was again about Shawn. It's was very weird. Apparently Shawn, my brother, me, Shawn's friend, and a bunch of other people were all at this huge party, which was held in this huge building with a bar and also outside. In the dream Shawn decides to go into the bar to talk to a buddy. For some reason I decided to stay outside by myself. Eventually I went inside to look for Shawn and found him in this bar area still talking to the buddy. There were tons of girls in there and they were all giggling so I knew Shawn was telling jokes. I'm not sure why I didn't sit with him, but I turned around and went back outside. I know I was irritated that he was still in there. Well a few hours later I went back into the bar to get Shawn as I knew it was time to leave and he was nowhere to be found. I got really angry and decided to leave him there as he had lied to me and rudely disappeared. So I found my brother and we were getting ready to leave when Shawn shows up with his buddy. I glared at him and we never did say one word to each other. It was understood that he had screwed up and that it was over between us. Then I woke up.

I really hate these dreams. I'm not sure what they mean but it appears as if I'm insecure and worried about Shawn or something, which I'm not. It's strange because I've been having bad dreams almost nightly ever since the tornado. Once in awhile I actually dream about the tornado but most of the time they are very scary dreams, where I am full of anger, and usually someone is trying to kill me or something and I'm trying to defend myself. I can understand where those dreams come from as I know I have some anger deep inside of me. I'm not sure I'll ever "feel right" about the tornado and losing my son. This just doesn't sit well with me and never will. I have accepted that Jesse is dead, though some times I still can't believe it and wish it were untrue. I know it's very unfair, but I also know "that's life" and that God has a plan for me. I have a feeling Shawn might have been part of that plan :). So anyway, I'm not sure why these dreams I'm having lately seem to be focused around Shawn.

I'm going to work on my new site again today. I hope to have it up and running in a few weeks. I'll write more later.

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