Saturday, June 3, 2000

This will be my last entry until I get back from vacation. Despite having stayed busy all day yesterday with errands and housework, I still have so much to do before I leave. I can't wait though and am anxious to see my family. I will be home for one day next week before I leave for the shore so I may blog an entry on how my trip went. Until then, I'm out of here. Yippee!!
posted by Leah on 6/3/2000 5:56:32 PM | link

Friday, June 2, 2000

Where has my inspiration gone? I haven't created anything new all week, and now I'll be on vacation so my updates will be sparse. I get these ideas of new designs I'd like to create, but I don't do anything about them. My poor purchaseware graphics section is so empty. I had sold so many sets back in March and am still trying to replenish that section. I've started two new dingbats also, but never finished those either. I guess my mind is focused on my vacation plans and not my website. I'll have to buckle down and get to work when I get back. Until them, I am going to relax......*ahhh*.
posted by Leah on 6/2/2000 11:48:49 AM | link

Oh my! Well, you did the right thing anyway. I don't know whether to laugh or cry about this!
posted by Leah on 6/2/2000 11:43:37 AM | link

I'm starting to get concerned. She has been at the fabric store for days! ha-ha
posted by Leah on 6/2/2000 11:41:04 AM | link

Thanks for the encouragement. I've been smoking for 17 years as I started at age 12 (bad girl) but I will do this! I just need to set a date and stick with it. I know I will feel so much better when I do.
posted by Leah on 6/2/2000 10:14:33 AM | link

Thursday, June 1, 2000

Oh, I think this doggie design is adorable!
posted by Leah on 6/1/2000 6:33:58 PM | link

You're welcome. :)
posted by Leah on 6/1/2000 6:30:17 PM | link

Thank you Laura. I really like your new design. It's very classy!
posted by Leah on 6/1/2000 6:28:38 PM | link

I sure can relate to this. The only difference is I'm usually in a hot flash for a week instead of being cold. I'm in a constant sweat, back hurts, legs hurt, I crave chocolate, and I hate everything. PMS sucks! Then the real fun of the period begins.
posted by Leah on 6/1/2000 6:26:14 PM | link

Bev, I give you so much credit for sticking with your Tae Bo. I have the videos but have been too lazy to do them. I had good intentions when I insisted I *needed* them for Christmas last year to exercise daily. That lasted about a month. Then I discovered I was getting physcially ill from that exercise because I smoke. I really enjoyed those tapes too, which is a miracle for me since I usually hate to exercise. So I decided I can't do the Tae Bo until I quit smoking. My brain was not getting enough oxygen. So that was a few months ago, and here I sit puffing away. I need to quit smoking, and I know it. I'm going to make that a priority when I get back from vacation. Thanks for the inspiration, Bev!
posted by Leah on 6/1/2000 6:20:59 PM | link

Whew, where did this heat come from? Two days ago I was wearing a sweatshirt and today I could be naked. I guess Summer is almost here.

Why do I procrastinate? I just got done completing something I've been putting off for over two months. And I feel so good! I always know I will feel good when I finally get my "to do" stuff done so why do I wait and stress myself out over it? So anyway, I got so much accomplished today finally so now I can relax. Maybe I'll finish that dingbat I've been working on.
posted by Leah on 6/1/2000 5:57:27 PM | link

Thank you to everyone who has responded to the post I made yesterday. Your words mean so much to me.

I think today will be a better day then yesterday. I always feel a sense of relief after I write or talk about my feelings, and yet I was so emotionally exhausted too. Sharing comes with a price. I'm in a more content state of mind today and hope to accomplish all those menial tasks I've been procrastinating on all week. I must clean and get organized before I leave!
posted by Leah on 6/1/2000 11:19:27 AM | link

Di, I am so glad you entered my life. You are a true friend.
posted by Leah on 6/1/2000 11:06:39 AM | link

I really like your redesign. It's very soothing.
posted by Leah on 6/1/2000 11:02:47 AM | link

Wednesday, May 31, 2000

As I stated when I first started this blog, I'm going to use this to vent, for me. I'm going to be talking about the deaths of my husband and son quite a bit because it's that time of the year when I'm thinking about it so often. Jesse's birthday would be June 8 and mine is June 10 so there is no way I can avoid these feelings. I usually have the ability to block out these grieving thoughts, but when an anniversary of any kind is approaching, it really starts to bother me again.

I am having nightmares again almost every night about the tornado and Jesse. Sometimes I even have good dreams, but usually they leave me feeling a little down and wishing they were real....the ones where Jesse is alive again.

Sometimes I can't stop myself from reliving the nightmare of the tornado. I lay there in bed at night and go over every detail of that horrible night. It still seems so unbelievable to me even after all this time. I can remember so many details and yet they get a little fuzzy as time goes on also. It's strange. I struggle with guilt sometimes over what I should have or could have done that night. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I know in my head there was nothing more I could do, and yet I wonder if I would have tried harder, could I have saved my husband?

I think back to that night and wish I had had the strength to go for help. I was too injured and very confused.

I'm going to start at the beginning and work my way through this. We had just moved into our new home that very day, Sunday. Tim and Jesse had gone to bed around 9 or so and I at 10. Suddenly, the windows shattered in our bedroom. I immediately rolled to the floor, taking the quilt with me. Tim had fallen on the other side of the bed. It sounded like an explosion so I peeked my head up over the bed to look and saw glass flying around the room. I yelled for Tim to grab the other blanket and cover himself as the glass was flying around. Then I heard it. The tornado was so loud and you could hear it was coming down right on us. It sounded like a train mixed with sounds of tearing and ripping trees, debris etc. Our house started to rumble and shake. I had closed my eyes tightly and quickly wedged myself under the bed as I prayed. Time seemed to stand still as I waited but I knew only a few seconds had passed. Then the force of the tornado pulled me up. It almost felt as if it was going to rip my skin right off. I had covered my ears with my hands to block out the loud sound and to hold them on my head. The pull was very strong. I felt the tornado slam me through the roof, then everything went black.

I awoke 2 hours later (I had learned the tornado came through at midnight) and was lying face down in wet grass as rain and hail poured down on me. It was pitch black and I didn't know where I was. I struggled to my knees and realized I was having a hard time breathing. I thought I was dreaming. I pinched myself and started praying for God to please let me wake up from this nightmare. I tried to yell Tim's name but it came out a mere whisper. Somehow, we found each other in the field. Then we started yelling for Jesse and there was no answer. We had no idea where we were....if we were even on our property or what. We had been living on 40 acres in the mountains. Then I heard Jesse moaning off in the distance, so we ran to him. He was laying on his back and all covered up with his quilt from his bed. He would not wake up.

Meanwhile it was pouring rain and extremely windy. The lightning was my only source of light. I saw a flash of white in the distance and knew it was our car. I knew I needed to get help for Jesse so I ran across the field, stumbling over debris and clothing as I went. I picked up a few of the shirts I tripped over and threw them on top of my t-shirt and wrapped one around my ears to keep them warm. I rushed into the car and tried to start it. Of course, it didn't start. I ran back across the field to where Tim and Jesse were and explained I couldn't get the car started. So Tim walked over to the car and said he'd be back in a few mins. Meanwhile, I laid down with Jesse and tried to hold him. He was moaning very loudly but would not wake up. Suddenly he got very quiet.

I panicked as I realized he may have died. I tried to administer CPR, but it was too late. He was gone. I cried and sobbed, and just laid down next to his body. I wanted to die. I don't know how long I laid there before I remembered Tim had gone to the car. I yelled for him to come and get us, and he yelled back that he couldn't move. I finally stood up and tried to pick Jesse up. I could not lift or budge him because of my injuries. I was so frustrated because I couldn't stomach the thought of leaving him in the field. I finally dragged myself across the field to Tim. I explained to him that Jesse had died, and we just screamed and cried together. We were in complete shock, numb from the cold, and in so much pain from our injuries.

We sat in that car for hours and hours just talking, praying, and crying. Soon daylight came. I got my first look at Tim. He was completely unrecognizable as a human. He had blood pouring out of his ears, eyes, nose, mouth. His head was as large as a pumpkin, his teeth were chipped, and he was practically shredded on his entire chest. I was horrified as I realized the significance of the blood pouring out of his ears. I asked him where he hurt, and he only replied his chest hurt. He did tell me a few times throughout the night that he didn't think he would make it. I encouraged him to hang in there as surely we would be rescued soon. I had frozen into a fetal position in the front of the car and couldn't move. I knew I had some major injuries but somehow I knew they wouldn't be fatal.

By 7 a.m. I knew Tim was getting worse and that I was going to have to try and get some help. It was still pouring rain and freezing so I thought maybe if I walked to the other house on our property (the one we had moved out of), I could find some clothing and walk down the mountain for help. It was pure torture for me to move and stand, but I managed to open the car door and stand. I didn't have any socks or shoes on so my feet were completely full of cuts and bruises. I turned toward the direction of where the house should be and realized it was also gone!! I couldn't believe my eyes and told Tim about it. He just moaned and started crying as we knew it was hopeless now. I was not in any condition to walk a few miles away to the nearest neighbor. So I sat in the car and waited.

Many hours later, I saw two men walking in the field toward us. They were in complete shock when they first saw us. I pointed to my son laying in the field about 200 feet away and explained that he had died. I asked them to please call a helicopter as my husband would not make it much longer. They rushed through the trees. They were gone so long I thought I had imagined them. Finally a half hour later they walked back with blankets. By then it was 8:30 or so. We had been thrown out of our house at midnight. Soon there were numerous volunteer paramedics on our property. Tim and I waited in the car (which really didn't provide shelter from the rain as all the windows were blown out). The car we both had been trying to start didn't even have an engine in it anymore as we had kept it around for spare parts. We had both been too confused to remember this.

To make a long story shorter, Tim died 10 minutes before the helicopter arrived. There was nothing anyone could do. I was transported to the nearest hospital and the x-rays began. My family was notified and were driving down to Arkansas from Wisconsin. I had been thrown approximately 500 feet. I was eventually diagnosed with 2 fractures in the back, 2 fractures in the sternum, fractured and dislocated right shoulder, cracked ribs, 2 sprained knees, bruised left lung and heart, concussion, hypothermia, and many cuts and bruises. I was fitted for a body cast and stayed in the hospital for 8 days. It was hard to believe that I had been running across the field a few times with all those injuries.

I had lost my family and everything I owned. One or two small items were recovered but that was it. After I was released from the hospital, I went back to Wisconsin to recover from my injuries and stayed with my mom. It was hell but I'm thankful for the shock that I was in. It eased the pain.

The tornado had come without warning. It had struck Fort Smith and Van Buren (large cities about an hour away) and then touched down briefly in our county, killing my family. The house we had moved out of blew apart like a bomb, so the move into our new house saved my life.

So here I am 4 years later, still struggling every now and then with the nightmare of the entire night. I will never completely understand that it really happened as it still seems unreal to me at times. I know God has a plan for me and let me live for a reason. I hope to discover that reason someday. Meanwhile, I go on the best I can. I still think about Tim and Jesse almost every day, but sometimes can go a few days. I have recovered from my physcial injuries but still get really sore on rainy days or if I overexert myself. I have come a long way and am still healing from my ordeal. The grief no longer consumes me and I'm able to live somewhat of a normal life. I don't dwell on my loss anymore but instead try to focus on what I have left.

I've learned some important lessons, one of which is to never go to bed angry. I am so thankful that Tim, Jesse, and I had all been getting along that night. I know the guilt would have been awful had we been fighting. Secondly, cherish each moment with your children or spouse. Lastly, live each day as if it were your last because you never know.
posted by Leah on 5/31/2000 10:15:46 AM | link

Some people get so uncomfortable when we talk about loved ones who have passed away, which makes me feel even more uncomfortable. I'm so thankful I do have my family and friends who will let me talk about it - when I am in the mood to talk about it. I've always explained to them that sometimes I just need to talk but I don't expect them to say anything. For what can they say anyway? I especially had a hard time at my past job because the women there were always telling stories about their children etc. So of course, I had to tell a few stories about Jesse, and everyone would get so quiet. I could feel them all staring at me and not knowing what to say. Then I would feel guilty and wonder if I was making everyone depressed by bringing it up, but you know Jesse was such a huge part of my life for 9 years and I do enjoy the memories I have of him. I guess that's hard for people to understand. To make matters worse, I get the feeling others can't comprehend how I can talk about "it" without breaking down in tears. It's only because I've been talking about it for 4 years now and it's almost like I'm telling a story about someone else. I've really learned how to control my feelings, when I have to.
posted by Leah on 5/31/2000 9:16:23 AM | link

Tuesday, May 30, 2000

Susan, your kind words have brought tears to my eyes. You are so sweet. I do realize I am needed just as I need others. I know God has a purpose for me but I wish He'd hurry up and let me know what it is. In all seriousness though, I am glad to be alive most of the time now. It was rough the first couple of years, but I've made it through the hardest part. :)
posted by Leah on 5/30/2000 11:07:42 PM | link

Well, the countdown has begun. I'll be going on vacation this Sunday for 2 weeks! I can't wait. The second week of my vacation will be a blast as I'll be staying in Wildwood, NJ on the boardwalk and ocean. There is so much to do! I really enjoy the rollercoasters, walking on the beach, etc. It should be nice and relaxing. I'll be going to WI to visit my family for the first week, which I'm both anxious about and somewhat dreading, if that makes any sense. I'm really excited to see my family as it's been over a year. On the other hand, I really dread going back to WI because of the memories. That's where I raised Jesse, my son, for most of his life. Everywhere I go I'll see little reminders of him. That's so hard. I sometimes wonder if that's why I moved away to PA. I know at the time, I was just running as fast as I could. Though I did learn that grief does follow.

Plus my family is very supportive and understanding; however, they have a tendency to pity me sometimes and bring up the tornado too often. I don't need pity and really don't want to talk or think about the tornado anymore. It's bad enough that I think about it. So it's so hard when someone else actually brings it up. It's not that I expect to ever forget it or "get over" it. It's just that I have conditioned myself to be able to think about it now without breaking down in tears or feeling that gut wrenching pain. If someone else brings up the subject, out of the blue, it can take me by surprise.

So I have mixed feelings about going back home for a visit. I know it's going to dredge up so many feelings that I've worked so hard to control. I've learned there is no such thing as the pain of grief easing with time. Those who say or think that have not experienced the death of a child. The pain does not ease, I just got stronger. The grief has almost hardened me in some ways, but that's the only way I can go on without dying from the physical and emotional pain of it. People always say I'm so strong. I'm not. I handle it the same way anyone else would. I have no other choice. Which reminds me, I really hate it when people tell me they don't know how I've done it and that they would not be able to handle "it" like I did. That is ridiculous! When my son and husband died, I had 2 choices. Kill myself or go on living. I chose the later. It has not been easy, I'm not gifted with some superhuman strength, I'm human just like anyone else. I went on living, even though at times I thought I would really die from the pain I was feeling and even wished for death. I went on living mostly for my family. They didn't need another death. Now I go on living for me. I'm rediscovering who I am and what I want to do with my life. I try and take it one day at a time. I'm almost content for the first time in many years. I don't think I'll ever feel that blissful happiness I once felt as that piece of me died along with my son. But I can feel content with my life. That's about where I'm at now.
posted by Leah on 5/30/2000 11:14:56 AM | link

Thanks Nic! Ew, I can't imagine black walls, but I did have a friend who once painted 3 of the walls a deep red and one black. It actually looked pretty cool. Of course that was years ago and my taste has changed since high school. :)
posted by Leah on 5/30/2000 10:57:00 AM | link

Thank you Gina! I really like your design. It's so soft and feminine.
posted by Leah on 5/30/2000 10:52:24 AM | link

Monday, May 29, 2000

Hey Nic, my true color was also black. What makes that so hilarious to me is I hate the color black especially in clothing as it totally washes me out. I'm blonde and fair skinned. Plus I never use it in my graphic designs either when I probably should since it is so elegant. Anyway, the description was very fitting for me though. Cool to meet someone else with the same color.
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 11:45:50 PM | link

Susan, that set is so gorgeous! I love that color green with that gold. And those fonts that you've used are fantastic! I just love Rhonda's dingbats. They are so perfect for webdesign. I have almost all of them. *oink*
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 11:34:22 PM | link

Hey Bev, I thought it was mine! You made it look so cute!
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 11:30:36 PM | link

Oh Moni, Jaz is such a cutie! Thanks for sharing that pic. I wish puppies would stay puppies...they are so darn cute!
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 8:16:29 PM | link

Welcome to Bloggerville Nic! I figured you'd join in :).
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 8:12:40 PM | link

Oh gosh, I really love these beautiful blue eyes. Great design!
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 8:09:46 PM | link

I agree. And might I add that we also need hope and faith. We can overcome almost anything if we have hope or the faith to know things will get better. I know from my own personal experience of grief that the healing did not begin until I had hope. Just a tiny piece....something to live for and go on for. Without hope and faith, I had nothing.
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 8:06:14 PM | link

Thanks Bev! I really like your new design and layout also! I just love all these Summer colors!
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 7:57:55 PM | link

Thank you Susan! I knew the old one wouldn't last long as I didn't like it to begin with. :)
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 7:54:16 PM | link

Ok, so I have the archives linked from this page. Why in the world is my blogscript thing showing up? Plus I need to fix my actual archive pages yet. I'm off to read the help file. *sigh*
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 2:00:59 PM | link

I'm going to try and archive some of my older posts *crossing fingers*.
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 1:39:52 PM | link

I like this design a little better. I needed something more cheerful. Please if something isn't lined up properly or looks awful.
posted by Leah on 5/29/2000 12:02:27 PM | link

Sunday, May 28, 2000

Oh, the torture we put ourselves through. I do the same thing! Love that tongue sticking out LOL.
posted by Leah on 5/28/2000 9:36:17 PM | link

I feel the same way after a nap, Trish. Yet I still take them anyway knowing either I won't want to get up, or I'll drag myself up and feel sluggish.
posted by Leah on 5/28/2000 9:28:47 PM | link

LOL Thanks for sharing Suzanne. That's more than I needed to see ha-ha. :)
posted by Leah on 5/28/2000 9:20:48 PM | link

I agree Kandee. The news can be very depressing as it's usually full of murder and bad news. I'll never understand how a mother can abandon her child. Surely she knows how many women are out there who would die to have a child. As far as young kids shooting others, I don't get it either. I guess sometimes I'm almost relieved that I don't have to worry about all that crap with my son anymore. He is safe now. If he were still alive, I know I would be homeschooling him. It's really sad.
posted by Leah on 5/28/2000 6:24:12 PM | link

Now isn't that the truth! I listen to Dean playing games on his PC and it just cracks me up the way he yells at the characters on the screen as if they could hear. It's the same thing when he's watching sports on tv. You'd think there were 5 guys in my living room with how loud he is!

Speaking of tv. What is the deal with the remote? Dean could spend a half hour searching for the remote, rather than turning the channel himself. I can barely stand watching tv with him because he's constantly changing channels so we miss "every" show. Gee, at least he gets to watch 1 minute of 30 different shows. Now that's entertainment!
posted by Leah on 5/28/2000 1:04:02 PM | link

What happened to the nice weather we were supposed to have today?!? I'm going to a bar-b-que later today, and it was "supposed" to be in the 90's. I would say 70's is stretching it a little. Good sweatshirt weather anyway!

Well, I'm off to surf the blogs, eat some lunch, and get some work done around here.
posted by Leah on 5/28/2000 11:10:25 AM | link

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